Oops...or maybe it IS working. In safe mode. Hmmph.
At the Movies
Time to take a break from speechwriting. Now the question: call girlfriend (I'm calling her my girlfiend, ha ha) or update the blahg? Why choose when I can do both?
Sylvia and I went to see Identity on Saturday. I went mostly because the previews made the film look like one of those high-concept flicks I love, and because two of my favourite actors, John Cusak and Ray Liotta, star. I also went because this was the film in which Spring Gardening 2002 had a chance to appear. (We received a letter from Columbia Pictures a few months back, asking for permission to use the magazine in a scene from the film.) Sadly, they went with Better Homes & Gardens. Dang.
My verdict? I enjoyed the film, but I was hoping for a twist with a scope that was just a little grander than the one that was eventually revealed. It's still a good film, don't get me wrong, but there were far cooler possibilities...
Afterwards, I dropped Sylvia off at her apartment and went over to Dustin's for a proud tradition: the Stoopid Movie Night. We watched Mike's bungy-jump video - he went to New Zealand and leapt from heights that made me a little queasy, frankly. I'll never be that brave/reckless/daring. Looked like fun, in a way, but I don't think I'd ever have the nerve to leap off a precipice and face a 2000 foot plunge into the abyss. Remember, Mike - when you plunge into the abyss, the abyss also plunges into you. Or something.
After Mike's display of derring-do, we watched the Yul Brynner classic, Westworld, and the three Wallace & Gromit shorts.
And now, presenting for the first time anywhere, the fabulous screenplay you've all been waiting for...
BITTER LITTER
Screenplay Earl J. Woods
Director Earl J. Woods
CAST
Vengeful Man Ron Briscoe
The Robot Steven Neumann
The Mad Scientist Susan Neumann
Basil Jeff Shyluk
Victim/Voice of the Artificial Intelligence Earl J. Woods
SETS
The Institute
An apartment
LOCATIONS
A city street
1. INT. the INSTITUTE. Close-up view of a striped shirt bearing an AIPD (Artificial Intelligence Programming Division) badge.
Credits and theme OVER as we DISSOLVE to
2. INT. the INSTITUTE. Close-up view of a computer monitor, bearing a crudely-drawn happy face.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: I am the world’s very first and only artificial life form, doctor! Are mutants proved so successful?
DISSOLVE to
3. INT. the INSTITUTE. Credits continue as we see female hands preparing a syringe.
DISSOLVE to
4. INT. the INSTITUTE. The MAD SCIENTIST administers the syringe to the ROBOT, who is seated in a high-tech chair.
MAD SCIENTIST: You are just about alive. As soon as you drink the secret formula, Methazolamide, you will be able to arise!
She hands the ROBOT the drink.
The ROBOT drinks.
MAD SCIENTIST: Yes, my creation, you may now arise!
The ROBOT stands.
MAD SCIENTIST: It is amazing! He is alive! I have done it!
CUT to
5. INT. INSTITUTE
ANGLE on the ROBOT.
ROBOT: I am alive.
CUT to
6. INT. INSTITUTE.
MAD SCIENTIST: Enter!
BASIL enters.
BASIL: Yeah, what do you want, Doctor? Oh, you got the android working? Oh, he’s so lifelike, but does it really work?
The ROBOT reaches out to grasp BASIL’s wrist.
ROBOT: Is this not obvious?
BASIL: Wow! Oh, Doc, that’s amazing. But let me check out his brain readings with the machine.
BASIL waves his brain meter over the ROBOT.
BASIL: I’m getting some funny readings, Doc. Are you sure he’s okay?
MAD SCIENTIST: I have tested him out completely. He is fine. In fact, I am sending him out for his first test run into society in just a few minutes.
BASIL: Are you sure that’s safe, Doc? I dunno – something’s kinda funny here with his head!
Cut to
7. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the Robot. As BASIL waves the brain meter before the ROBOT’s face, the ROBOT grabs BASIL’s wrist again, seemingly offended.
CUT to
8. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the MAD SCIENTIST.
MAD SCIENTIST: Don’t be bitter, Basil. He is going out for his test run into society today.
CUT to
9. INT. INSTITUTE.
ANGLE on the ROBOT.
MAD SCIENTIST (V.O.): Remember, Basil, don’t be bitter. Because bitterness leads to death and destruction, and we cannot have death and destruction in society. Just remember – don’t be bitter.
FADE to
10. EXT. CITY STREET
A man is enthusiastically blowing his nose. He discards the tissue, dropping it at his feet. The ROBOT enters the frame.
ROBOT: You should not be bitter.
VICTIM: Bitter? I’m not bitter, all I did was litter.
ROBOT (malfunctioning): Bitter. Litter.
The ROBOT twitches, then menaces the VICTIM.
VICTIM: You’re not human…don’t hurt me! No! Aiiieeee!
The ROBOT chokes the life from the hapless victim.
The VENGEFUL MAN steps into frame.
VENGEFUL MAN: My – my god – you killed that man!
ROBOT: Must return to the Institute.
VENGEFUL MAN: The Institute..!
DISSOLVE to
11. INT. the VENGEFUL MAN’s apartment. The VENGEFUL MAN takes a gun out of his closet and cocks it.
VENGEFUL MAN: This’ll stop that metal monster!
CUT to
12. INT. the INSTITUTE
The MAD SCIENTIST and BASIL examine the ROBOT.
MAD SCIENTIST: He has returned.
BASIL: I dunno, Doc. Something funny about him! Funny reading on the brain machine – I think some of his programming is – I dunno!
The MAD SCIENTIST grabs at the brain scanner, examining the readings herself.
MAD SCIENTIST: Let me see this.
BASIL: Doc!
ROBOT: I went out. I found litter. I told him not to be bitter. He will no longer be bitter anymore.
BASIL: What’s he talking about?
MAD SCIENTIST: These are completely normal readings.
Cut to
13. INT. the INSTITUTE
The VENGEFUL MAN bursts onto the scene, gun in hand.
VENGEFUL MAN: There you are. You killed my brother!
Cut to
14. INT. The INSTITUTE.
MAD SCIENTIST: That does it... he is fully recharged –
BASIL and MAD SCIENTIST react to the VENGEFUL MAN.
BASIL and MAD SCIENTIST: Who are you?
Cut to
15. INT. The INSTITUTE
VENGEFUL MAN: You created that abomination, now you die!
The VENGEFUL MAN shoots the MAD SCIENTIST, killing her in a flash of light. Then, he turns to BASIL.
VENGEFUL MAN (chuckling): Now it’s your turn.
BASIL: No, you can’t shoot me!
VENGEFUL MAN: Why not?
BASIL: I don’t wanna be shot, I’m too young to die!
VENGEFUL MAN: You were an accomplice. Now, it’s your turn.
BASIL: Noooooo!
The VENGEFUL MAN takes aim, but his gun jams!
VENGEFUL MAN: Oh, hell!
BASIL sees his chance and takes hold of the cord that connects the central processor of the brain-o-meter to the sensor wand.
BASIL: My mother told me never to be a quitter!
BASIL steps behind the VENGEFUL MAN and uses the cord as an impromptu garrote.
VENGEFUL MAN: Arrrrgh!
They struggle.
BASIL: I’ll strangle you, you fiend! Strangle you!
VENGEFUL MAN: Arrrgh! Stop!
The VENGEFUL MAN dies. BASIL, his mind snapping, laughs maniacally.
CUT to
16. INT. The INSTITUTE. The ROBOT, impassive while all this has been going on, finally reacts.
ROBOT: Bitter…quitter. Bitter…bitter…
The ROBOT takes a hammer in hand and swings it into BASIL’s skull, killing him.
ROBOT: I have littered. I must take out the trash.
Cut to
17. INT. The INSTITUTE.
The DIRECTOR appears, holding the same hammer that the ROBOT used to kill BASIL. He looks paranoid, and makes his way across the room to hide in a closet as he delivers the film’s coda:
DIRECTOR: This has been another Paranoid Production.
FADE TO BLACK.
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