I'm a big fan of horror movies, including an important sub-genre: the cheap 80s slasher film, in which teenagers are punished for having sex, doing drugs or simply spitting on the sidewalk. Here's the beginning of a screenplay that I hope satirizes these tropes with sufficient whimsy.
1. INT. the funhouse of a haunted amusement park. Precocious teens RICK and ELAINE are hunting for clues in the empty, run-down funhouse. ELAINE comes across a box, filled with what she thinks are circus peanuts.
ELAINE: Rick, look - this box is full of circus peanuts!
RICK: Could this be our first clue? If we can solve the mystery of the Spectre of the Sideshow, the other members of the Junior Detective Squad will finally take us seriously.
ELAINE picks a peanut out of the box and pops it into her mouth.
ELAINE: If I can determine the freshness of this circus peanut, we can deduce how long it's been since this funhouse has been occupied. Hmmm, chewy. And I think it's gone stale.
ELAINE, chewing, begins to look concerned.
RICK: No one just abandons a box of perfectly good circus peanuts.
ELAINE: This isn't a circus peanut - it's a styrofoam packing peanut! I'M CHOKING!
ELAINE'S hands fly to her throat, and her eyes bulge.
RICK: Good grief! Elaine!
RICK, panicking, punches ELAINE in the stomach, hoping to dislodge the peanut. ELAINE doubles over, clutching her stomach, face twisted in pain. She continues to choke.
RICK: Oh no, oh no! What do I do? What do I do?
ELAINE: Gak! Choke!
RICK wets his pants. ELAINE drops to her knees, her face turning purple.
2. EXT. the funhouse. A shadowy figure steps into the frame, cloaked in black robes. The being gazes up at the funhouse, listening to the cries within.
3. INT. the funhouse. RICK is pulling his hair, wide -eyed, as ELAINE's limbs twitch and spasm. At length, she goes still...dead, her tongue lolling. RICK, blubbering, turns and runs.
4. EXT. the funhouse. RICK exits at a run, arms windmilling. He spots the cloaked figure and screeches to a halt.
RICK: You've got to help me! My girlfriend - she's in there - choking on a styrofoam peanut!
The cloaked figure lifts a hand to pull back his hood. The horrible visage of the BLOODY SKELETON, a skull caked in wet, dripping blood, is revealed. RICK recoils in horror, but it's too late - the BLOODY SKELETON wraps bony fingers around RICK'S throat and throttles him to death.
FADE TO CREDITS
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